Updated: Dec 19, 2019
The search for the “perfect someone” has become a sort of national pasttime, with Tinder, online dating, and nights out on the town. How do we meet someone? Why is no one working out for me? How can I find the relationship with my “person?” These seem to be the universal relationship questions.
The answer lies in the relationship we keep with ourselves.
We attract people based on the amount of self-work we have accomplished. We manifest relationships based on where we are in our soul growth, or where we are in our intended trajectory or purpose for this life on Earth. We tend to attract those who are in the same place energetically as we are, as if we are looking into a mirror. They help us learn about how the higher parts of ourselves want to grow and change. Usually we are unconscious to our higher aspects of Self, so the universe conspires by illustrating it in the world around us. This is most easily accomplished through relationships.
These “mirrors” are usually held up in energetic and emotional ways. We may share similar blocks as the other person, which can manifest differently. We may share similar emotional structures, energy, or habits. The universe seeks to use this to show us how we are in the world. Sometimes the lesson is that we are not in our power and we are choosing people based on what we subconsciously believe we deserve, otherwise known as “settling.” Or, the other person fills a void in our own energy structure; they give us something that we are looking for. Sometimes the lesson is to teach us to express the vulnerability that we are so afraid of feeling, usually due to our childhood or past-life experiences. The purpose of these aspects within our relationships is to help us reach a point of growth for ourselves that we had desired before we incarnated. This can be experienced as painful until you understand what is going on!
It is common for people to look to their relationships to “complete them” in some way, whether consciously or not. There are so many different examples, but one is the abusive spouse. They usually fill voids in the other person. One could be that the abusive spouse has a very outgoing social personality (strong 3rd chakra), and the other person does not, so they bolster their energy vicariously. They can escape their own need to work through this aspect while they’re with the abusive person by hiding behind the other person’s abilities. Sometimes their voids can even be energetically filled by the other person’s surplus. This can keep them stuck in abusive relationships because they become energetically “addicted” in their own right to the other person filling these needs for them. Without the other person, they experience withdrawal symptoms.
When we are in relationships, oftentimes we seek to purge aspects of ourselves that we wish to change or deny by either projecting it onto the other person, or leaving the relationship. We tend to project on those closest to us, focusing on their flaws and imperfections. When we leave the relationship, we are left with ourselves, wondering what happened. Our next goal becomes to escape the loneliness, which is our own unwanted self-company, as we are faced with all our old issues and struggles. It’s a cyclical process. This desperate attempt to escape our issues is what propels us into unfulfilling relationships. The new relationship helps us forget or temporarily escape the discomfort of working through our stuff! That is - until we get comfortable enough with the other person that the cycle begins anew and they start to trigger us again.
You can think of this as a skill that you learn with practice. Allow your relationships to be an exercise in self-awareness. Take your focus off relying on other people to make you happy, and you’ll find what it means to cultivate a strong sense of self.
The quickest way to grow into the kind of person who can manifest better is to observe ourselves in our relationships. We can do this as they happen, or we can reflect honestly on our past. This will easily show us our triggers. Ask yourself questions like:
What makes you react the strongest?
What do you like and dislike, and why?
How do you emotionally respond to the little things?
All of these can be learning opportunities for you, if you observe yourself in an objective manner rather than getting lost in your reaction trigger. See it like gathering self-data for your emotional soul growth. It’s a modern, practical exercise in self-awareness that lets you Know Thyself and become the person you’d like to be. This is the first step to attracting the kind of relationship you want, or the kind of “mirror” you want to look into.
Stay tuned for a post on what to do with this self-knowledge once you’ve gained it!